When the music's over.... Turn out the lights...

Persephone

I have been working so much lately, and sleeping so little, that I can't seem to really comprehend anything that is said to me, or put two sentences together that actually make sense.
I did read an interesting article about Persephone and Mabon in my new issue of New Worlds Magazine. If you are the least bit interested, it is on their website here.
Yes, I do know the controversy about whether Llewellyn publications are accurate or not, and that their authors are not everyone's cup of tea... But the article is still good! I seem to really relate to her at this point in my life.

Anti-War Protests Target Wounded at Army Hospital

I don't actually agree with any of the excuses that Washington is trying to hand us about the war, but this is totally uncalled for.

"When he was a patient at the hospital, Pannell said he initially tried to ignore the anti-war activists camped out in front of Walter Reed, until witnessing something that enraged him.

"We went by there one day and I drove by and [the anti-war protesters] had a bunch of flag-draped coffins laid out on the sidewalk. That, I thought, was probably the most distasteful thing I had ever seen. Ever," Pannell, a member of the Army's First Cavalry Division, told Cybercast News Service.

"You know that 95 percent of the guys in the hospital bed lost guys whenever they got hurt and survivors' guilt is the worst thing you can deal with," Pannell said, adding that other veterans recovering from wounds at Walter Reed share his resentment for the anti-war protesters."

Fall is in the air

(By Phil Starke, seen here)

At some point in the last two weeks while I have been working nonstop, the light has changed. All of a sudden, in the angle of the sunlight, it is starting to look like Autumn.
Fall is my favorite season. I do love summer when flowers, grass and my beloved trees are all alive and growing. Spring is a nice time of year, too. The earth awakens from it's winter nap. Winter can be beautiful in the hush of an early morning blanketed in new fallen snow, or the geometric beauty of stark black tree branches against the dove gray skies.
Fall, though, seems to be the most magical of them all. The angle of the sunlight, the smell of dry leaves (one of my favorite smells, by the way) the crispness of the mornings. I love the colors, too, of the leaves, and the bright blue skies. My favorite tree is the cottonwood, and the leaves are bright yellow and sparkle when the wind blows, creating a beautiful sound that I think is different than wind through any other tree.
Growing up, Thanksgiving was always my favorite holiday, followed by Christmas and Halloween. Now, although I do still celebrate those with my family, I am learning new traditions of celebrating the sabbats of this season, Mabon and Samhain, followed by Yule.
This is the time of the year when I get the "homebody" urges; baking, and cleaning, and quilting. Dreams begin now of snuggling up in front of the fire on a cool fall night with a cup of good coffee and great conversation.
The summer is fast paced, and fun loving, but the Fall, at least for me, things tend to slow down a bit, more time for introspection and thought.
I guess it might be the country girl in me. You can take the girl out of the country, you know, but you can't take the country out of the girl... Not if it was really there to begin with... Harvest has always been a very important time for my family, and most of the families around here. The holidays that get families back together, and more time for staying home and "doing" around the house.
I guess it's just the coziness of the cooler weather, as opposed to the months of being very busy in the heat, that I love the most.

A warrior's Heart

I have read this book several times since I bought it in '98 or '99. I have always thought this passage was really cool... Would be nice to think that... And dismissed it.


"I wish I'd known from the beginning that I was born a strong woman. What a difference it would have made! I wish I'd known that I was born a courageous woman; I've spent so much of my life cowering. How many conversations would I not only have started but finished if I had know I possessed a warrior's heart? I wish I'd known that I'd been born to take on the world; I wouldn't have run from it for so long, but run to it with open arms."

I am doing the work, I am facing my fears, I am discovering these things about myself, but He is giving me the protection, the "safe zone" to work in... He has believed in me even when I didn't believe in myself. It is because of Him that I am finding out that I really like the real me... I am the person I wanted to be all along, I just didn't have the courage to stand up and say "this is me!"
I realized that I AM a strong, courageous woman... And I DO have a warrior's heart.

Flag of Censorship

Have any of you notice the "Flag this?" button at the top if the blog page? (I removed it from mine, actually, with the help of a code I got from Infinite Monkeys) It is for often anonymous, random people to "flag" your blog as "offensive"
According to Infinite Monkeys:
"The "Flag?" button is a means by which readers of Blog*Spot can help inform us about potentially questionable content, so we can prevent others from encountering such material by setting particular blogs as "unlisted." This means the blog won't be promoted on Blogger.com but will still be available on the web..."

Thanks, Jules, for pointing this out to me....

repreive

In the minutes before my execution, the Governor has granted a stay of execution...

He has told me He loves me too much to let this come between us...

I am saved!

In those hours, my world had gone dark... All the possibilities for the future that I had seen were extinguished...

I love you so much, Sir, thank you... You will never regret it...
Love, Respect, Honor... There are no words that begin to cover the feelings I hve for you...

This was too important to Him... He has let me go...
I will always love Him more than anything on earth... But He would not let it go...
I told Him I would do it whether I wanted to or not, just to keep Him, but He said that He would always be able to see that I felt bad about myself afterwards, and He wouldn't let me do it... There was no way around it, no way that He would let us get around it....

You cannot even know how terrified, how much in pain, how borderline hysterical I am...
I want to scream, yell, cry, scream some more... I want someone to shoot me and get rid of this horrible, horrible pain....

I think Amethyst will go away for awhile...
Just the sight of my own blog reminds me of Him and I cannot bear that right now...

I love you, Sir... and to think, I never had the honor of proudly telling these people who you even are....

My future hinges on one tiny thing...

It's funny the tricks the powers of the universe play on us. Not funny, actually, although I suspect that they are mildly amused by it all.
They have handed me everything I have always wanted in a relationship on a silver platter. They just said "Here it is, Amethyst, your beautiful dream." And I accepted it, and I basked in the feeling of it. But then they said, "And oh, by the way... The one thing that you won't compromise on is the one thing He won't compromise on either, and since you are on opposite ends of the spectrum on this one... HA! Guess you don't get it after all."
I am willing to do anything for Him. Move away from my home, my friends, my job, leave my son behind with his father - but this one thing I won't compromise on. I can't.
Do we have the right to expect absolutely everything we want? To expect the other person to cave completely?
Am I being unreasonable in not changing an integral piece of who I am?
This one little thing... Should it be allowed to keep us apart when everything else is so perfect?
It's nothing illegal. It's nothing immoral. (not in my opinion, anyway) It's a matter of personal choice.
I don't think we should give in so easily. I don't think we should give up our relationship completely.
We have been talking about me moving in with Him... We can put that on hold until some sort of agreement is reached if we have to.
I think we are too good together, and we love each other too much to just throw in the towel and walk away.
I think it is worth fighting for.

Fabulous quotes

"You don't get to choose how you're going to die, or when. You can only decide how you're going to live. Now."
Joan Baez

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."
Joseph Campbell

"I believe we have two lives. The life we learn with, and the life we live after that."
Glenn Close in The Natural

"Become the experiencer, not the experience.
All great wisdom traditions point to the knowledge that the essence of our true selves is not any fixed label but the capacity to experience."

This opened up a whole new way of looking at things for me.
It seems maybe that "who am I?" has no set definition... Other than whatever I am experiencing and feeling about that experience at any given moment.
I have always struggled with definitions... I wake up a different person every day, and it made me feel as though I was a chameleon, always changing to suit my surroundings. I think maybe that as long as my core beliefs stay the same, being a chameleon is not a bad thing. It means I am being open minded enough to be comfortable in any situation that does not challenge my core beliefs. There are a few things, however, that I really need to define in my core beliefs.
Heck, I'm not even sure what my core beliefs are, or at least I have never thought to sit down and define them. Therein lies my next goal, I suppose.

Shadow Beliefs

"A "Shadow Belief" is an unconscious belief that influences our entire lives, tells us what we can and can not do, and drives our behaviors. What beliefs have held you back?"

I found this question on a website recently, and I thought... Wow, what beliefs haven't held me back!?
I was raised in a christian family, being dropped off at Sunday school every single Sunday. I grew up trying so hard to be that perfect christian woman. I constantly had to fight against my true nature to be her, though. I wasn't born a quiet, conservative woman who loves children. I am opinionated, open minded, other people's kids make me nervous, and there is a bit of a feminist in me. They said I was wrong, I was being influenced by the sin and evil in the world. I believed them.
My mother did a fine job of teaching me guilt, worry, and the fact that I was never going to amount to anything because I could never do anything right. She doesn't do it on purpose, her mother treated her that way. But I believed her.
You know how there is always one person in the class that everyone picks on? That was me. The boys, mainly, were always calling me names, telling me how fat I was, being incredibly rude. (I look at pictures of me then and wonder how on earth they got me to believe I was fat!!) But I believed them.

I seem to have always believed other people over myself, except when people said nice things about me, and then I thought they must just want something from me.
I need to look at all of this as though it were someone else's life, and think about what I would tell them. Then I need to take my own advice.
I know there are good things about me.
I am a hard worker.
I am a good mother.
I am a good friend.
I write fairly well.
I am very loving and compassionate.
I love helping people.
I am creative.
I have common sense. (seems to be a rare thing these days)
I am open minded.
I work very hard to never judge anyone.

I often wonder how other people really see me, if what I think they are thinking is true. I always believe the best about everyone else, and the worst about myself. The last few days I have been able for the first time to see myself through the eyes of someone who really appreciates me, who really loves me. That has really made all the difference.

Goals

How do we know what we really want... Or even who we are?
If I ask you "Who are you?" Do you give me your name? Do you say wife... Husband... Mother... Father .... Businessman... Businesswoman...
Who are you really?
I can tell you the things I love.
I love Trucks (Peterbilts). Pick-ups (Chevys). Motorcycles (Harleys). Trains. Books. Writing. Watching the sun come up from my back yard with a hot cup of coffee. Cottonwood trees. Studying Earth religions. Music. My family. My friends.
I am a mother, daughter, sister, friend, I work as an assistant manager.
I cannot, however, tell you who I am.
I am setting out on a discovery to find out that very thing. I am a 38 year old woman who does not know who she is.
I don't even have dreams, or goals. I have been on auto pilot for so long.

I do want to go back to school. I don't know yet what for. Counseling maybe?
I do want to get back to my art... I used to love to paint. I love making jewelry (would love the chance to really work with some quality stuff)
I am also going to concentrate on writing. I used to love writing poetry, and I seem to enjoy writing erotica (who knew?) My first goal is to write creatively every day. Poetry, stories, essays. Just something, everyday.

Beginning....?

There is a fine line between fantasy and reality.
Sometimes, in the middle of a dark night, that line gets crossed.
The fantasy was that I thought I was submissive... Turns out I am a woman who loves kinky sex and men who can make decisions... There is a big difference.
I guess I am not as submissive as I thought I was. And I am no longer in the dark.
I am, however, heading out on a new path of discovery, thanks to a wonderful and wise man.

Last night, in the lightning and thunder of a big Kansas thunderstorm, I had the most awesome night I have ever spent with a man.
He left this morning, because he thought I was upset with Him... I let Him go because I thought He was disappointed in me...
There will be other times, I am sure of it... Don't count me out yet...
And Sir? I do love you...

(edited to clarify)

In less than 2 hours...

I have been told I write erotica rather well. It embarasses the hell out of me, to tell you the truth, but I got a request to write more, so I did. Obviously the person who requested (which wasn't actually phrased as a request, by the way) is pretty much the only one who wanted to read it... LOL.

I am so nervous! "He" will be here in less than 1 1/2 hours. In less that 2 hours I will see his eyes for the first time. In less that 2 hours I will feel his kiss. In less than 2 hours I will see the man I hope to spend the rest of my life with.
Wish me luck!

The first meeting...? (pt.1)

She lay in bed, a light sheet covering her, a warm night breeze blowing in the open windows. The phone ringing in the dark was not unexpected, but a shiver ran across her as she reached for it, picking it up on the first ring as her heart beat faster.
"Hello?"
"hello Baby Girl. Were you waiting for me to call?"
His voice made her smile, made her relax in spite of the constant vigilance to hear and obey his every word.
"Yes, Sir, I was."
"Good girl. Have you followed my instructions? Are you in bed?" He settled down in his chair, several hours away, his eyes dark and thoughtful.
"Yes, Sir. I am in bed, naked, " She had been counting the hours until the appointed time for his call.
"Is your pussy wet?" He asked her quietly, deliberately.
"Yes, it is..." A sigh escaped her lips.
"Have you touched yourself, while you waited for me to call?" He knew that she would answer honestly.
"No, Sir, You told me not to."
"Good. Now, close your eyes. Uncover yourself, I want you fully exposed." She quickly pulled the sheet to one side, pushing it down to the foot of the bed with her feet.
"Now. I am standing at the foot of your bed. Can you see me?"
"Oh, yes, I can" Her voice quivered in spite of her determination to keep it steady.
"Look into my eyes. You can see my eyes, can't you, girl?" He could hear he unsteady breath on the other end.
"Yes, Sir, " Her voice was soft.
"Start playing with your pussy. Rubbing your clit. Never take your eyes from mine."
A gasp escaped her lips as she touched her clit, already on fire from hearing his voice.
"Tell me what you see when you dream of our first meeting. Tell me the details. How does it start?"
Knowing he was not standing there in her room, but feeling his eyes on her, seeing in her mind his dark, intense eyes, watching her, she slowly started rubbing her fingertips in small circles around her clit.
She started slowly, a bit nervous, telling him the scenario that had haunted her day and night since their computer friendship had crossed the line into something much deeper.

They met at a restaurant, over coffee. They talked, small talk, polite conversation. Quickly it became obvious that neither of them were interested in the now cold cups in front of them. Without a word, he stood up, and tossing a bill on the table, led her outside.
Leaving her vehicle in the parking lot, she walked with him to his car. He opened the door for her, ever the gentleman, and instructed her to fasten her seat belt. As he got in on the driver's side, her hands were shaking so much she couldn't fasten her seat belt, and very patiently, he reached over and helped her, his touch like fire on her skin.
As they drove, the electricity in the car was like nothing she had ever experienced. A few minutes later they pulled into the hotel where he was
staying.
"Are you sure, Sweet Girl, that this is exactly what you want?" He could tell from looking into her eyes that she loved him, that she needed him. He wanted to hear her say it.
"Yes, Sir, with all my heart. All I want, all I need."
He parked the car and they entered the lobby where several men were sitting, talking. The conversation stopped as they walked by, his hand on her back, the electricity flowing from them. They walked silently to the elevator, and rode to his floor. Getting off the elevator, he stopped in front of his door and turned her to face him.
"This door represents the rest of our lives. From this point on, if you come inside, you are mine. Heart, body, mind and soul. I am the center of your universe, do you understand me?" He lifted her chin to look him square in the eye. All he saw there was total love, and unending devotion.
"Yes, Sir, I have known from the beginning that all I wanted, all I was created to do was to serve you."
He turned, and keeping one hand in hers, took the door key from his pocket, and unlocked the door.
"They entered the quiet room, soft thick carpeting under their feet. She stood, not quite knowing what to do, nervousness and excitement and so many unnamed feelings coursing through her body.
"Undress." He walked toward the bed, turned and stood facing her.
Never looking up, she slowly took off her clothes, one item at a time.
"Look at me" She slowly raised her eyes to look into his. She could not keep the need out of her eyes.
She stood, then, completely naked in front of him, neither embarrassed, or boastful, only open and willing.
"On your knees."
She slowly, gracefully went to her knees in front of him, feeling completely calm, and centered.
"Now, take my cock out, show me how much you want to serve me."
She reached out and freed him, taking his cock in her left hand and cupping his balls with her right. Leaning forward, she slowly licked around the head of his cock with the tip of her tongue. She slid her lips around it, swirling her tongue underneath, sliding it deeper and deeper in her mouth as she stroked him with her hand. Taking his cock fully in her mouth, she sucked up and down, swirling her tongue around, and around.
Occasionally pulling back so that just the head was in her mouth, she then slid it quickly, completely in her mouth, her tongue never stopping.
"Mmm.. Yes, Baby, you are good." He tangled his fingers in the back of her hair, tilting her head to one side as he watched her sucking his cock.
Suddenly he pulled her back.
"Now. On the bed, on your back, legs spread wide."
She quickly got on the bed, and lay down.
He removed the rest of his clothing, and stood at the foot of the bed.
"Am I going to like the way my slut tastes?" He asked her, his voice low, and strong.
"Yes, Sir. You will." Her pussy, wet from sucking his cock, now overflowed, he watched a stream of her juices run slowly down onto the bed.
He eased slowly between her legs, his face close to her pussy but not touching her, anywhere. She wiggled, just a bit, but he saw it.
"Hold still. Do not move." He leaned closer to her pussy, she could feel his breath. The slightest wimper came from her throat.
"You want me to lick your pussy? Can you feel my breath? Ask for it... Beg for it."
"Please, Sir, please lick my pussy... Please!" Her own voice was unrecognizable to her, so full of need, and passion.
Slowly, deliberately, he started with small circles, all around her totally shaved pussy.
"Very good job keeping that pussy shaved for me, girl. " He continued to leisurely lick little circles around her pussy, feeling the tension as she fought to stay perfectly still.
With the tiniest bit of the end of his tongue he flicked her clit.
Instantly she cried out, and her body shivered, barely able to keep from raising her hips to meet his mouth.
"Hmmm. You like that, don't you?" He immediately did it again, this time running the tip of his tongue down, into the wetness of her folds.
Her hands gripped the sheets, white nuckles indicating the power it took to keep her from moving.
Suddenly he buried his tongue in her pussy, as she screamed out loud.
You can not come until you are told to, is that clear?" He raised his head to look at her face. "I am doing this for my own pleasure, now, not yours. I will tell you when you are allowed to come."
"Yes, sir, I know." Drifting back from where she had drifted, she answered him, not knowing if she would be able to hold back the powerful orgasm that threatened to course through her. She had to, she would not disobey him no matter what it took. No longer conscious of the room around them, or even the bed, she felt nothing but where the power of his touch electrified her.
Burying his tongue inside of her, he pulled out to suck her clit.
'Aaaah! Please! Please let me come!" She was desperately holding on, his tongue sending her to the brink, only a shred of self control kept her from leaping over the edge.
"No!" Suddenly he was on his feet. "Roll over, on your hands and knees."
She heard him rustling in one of his bags, nervously trying to steel herself for what she knew was coming. She felt, rather than saw him standing beside her. Reaching out, he ran his had over her smooth ass, first one cheek and then the other.
"Girl, you knew that this would be part of it. I will spank you when and with what I please. You are to take it, and embrace it. Give me more of yourself." He reached back, and in one move delivered her first spanking, making her breath catch and a cry escape her lips as if she had just taken the first breath of her new life.
To be continued

Crash course...

So so so SO many things to learn!
I have learned one very big lesson, though, and that is that hawk is full of shit. (I'm sorry, I rarely use words like that, but that is the only way to say it) AND he really messed with me head.
I regret that, mainly because the new man in my life is having to work to undo the damage. Like an abused dog that flinches when you raise your hand, red flags keep going off in my head, walls go up, and I have to remind myself who I am with, that He is not hawk, and that there is so much more respect and trust here... It makes me feel bad that I automatically do that.
I learned a very big lesson today on the phone... I ended up in tears, but I finally knocked down another wall in my head. It doesn't matter whether I like the punishment or not, it is the obedience to Him in taking it that matters. Duh! Why did it take so long for that to soak in?? It was not easy for Him to get that in my head, and I am so glad He is so patient.
I have a new sign on my computer, and on my phone: "Engage brain before opening mouth." I have to learn to think before I speak, to remember who I am talking to. I can't wait until the day I can tell you all who He is... I am so proud that He picked me to be His... And I think most of you will be surprised!

Swimming against the tide

A discussion with a friend brought this subject up. Made me really take a look at the people around me.
Here in Hick County,there seems to be a time warp. I always tell people that when you cross that county line, you go back about 75 years. Not only because of the fact that we are still a dry county, but also in the attitudes of the people.
Women tend to have their place in this society, a certain way of behaving that is expected.
Women here are expected to be church going, children loving, mild mannered, docile. Reflecting their husbands ideas, protecting and enhancing his image. Most of them do work, in fact stay at home moms are looked at as second class citizens. All women are expected to be supermoms. Minivans, children in every activity you can think of, no interests outside of church and school.(other than little hobbies, usually ones that center around house and family.) It is just assumed that every woman's goal is to get out of high school, go to college, and start a career, but the main goal of their lives should be a husband and kids. Always.
I know that you probably are picturing a bunch of sexist men, keeping their women under their thumbs, but actually it is the women who judge other women, perpetuating the stereotype.
Now, don't get me wrong, if this is the way that certain women want to live, that is perfectly fine. But imposing it on others is not. I am not one of those women. Yes, I want a relationship, not necessarily marriage (been there, done that, don' t especially have to have that little piece of paper) and I am not a minivan driving soccer mom sort of woman. I don't particularly like children, except my own and those of my very few close friends. I do not believe in organized religion. I express my opinions whether you agree with me or not. I am way more open minded and free spirited than most people around here are comfortable with.
I am like a Janis Joplin in a county full of Doris Days.
It seems that for most of the people here, the world ends at the county line. I am not that way. I feel like, in this day and age, we all should be citizens of the world, not just our own neighborhoods, or towns.
When I first came back, and even now I suppose, I was accused of being a liberal, feministic man hater. (I was once accused of being liberal because I eat tofu!) Two out of three are correct. Anyone who really knows me knows that I am not a man hater. I do, however, hate anyone who is voluntarily ignorant, who deliberately chooses not to learn, not to grow, not to listen to opinions differing from their own. I run into a lot of that here. People who think intelligence in a woman should be hidden, not expressed. It is just sad that most of the people with that opinion are other women.

Public Notice

This is not me anymore. After being called on it, I am aware of it, and will stop. Or work on stopping, anyway.

There has been sort of a shift in the way I think. In the way I view things. You may notice it here, if you have been reading my blog very often. I am not sure you will. I can't really explain. I actually don't want to explain. When some walls come down, others go up. I am not sure why. Currently in the process, with the help of someone very special, of getting through those walls. It is exausting work, though. Mentally. Frustrating. Mind blowing. We will have to see where I land, how it changes me on the outside, as well as on the inside. Will I make it to where I want to be? To who I want to be? To who I know I can be - was meant to be? We will see... I know I am on the path I was meant to be on, though, and that feels good in itself.

On second thought, don't pinch me... I don't want to wake up...

Another 8 hours total on the phone yesterday... You would not believe our conversations... No matter what direction we go, what topic we discuss, we always seem to agree... We finish each other's ideas... There are things we do not agree on, of course, but we think alike...
He called his sister and told her about me... That, to me, is amazing (we have both agreed that I have been using that word too much lately!) She asked him why he wasn't on the road headed west... I wondered that myself...
But he just might be, next weekend, even though I have to work on Sat and Sun mornings (just doing the books) he might be coming out to see me. He told me that after our first meeting, if all things went the way we think they are going to go, I can reveal who he is here, in my blog... For those of you who have not already guessed... LOL
He called me at work this morning... To say good morning and hear my voice... The girls told me it must be love the way my face was glowing when I got off the phone... They didn't even have to ask me who was on the phone...

Someone pinch me, I think I'm dreaming....

Another 3 hours on the phone...
I think the powers of the universe have gone to a lot of trouble to make sure that he and I come together. I feel (we both do) that I was born specifically to be with him. It's very scary people. Nothing has ever felt this right.
Does that sound outrageous? Does it sound like "Aw, it's just Amethyst's imagination again..."? Well, I am not the only one feeling it... And if you knew the man in question, you would not question this...
He was a little freaked out about the age difference... But to me, it's a non-issue. (How he could have been reading my blog all this time and not know how old I am is beyond me...lol)
Telling me about places that I want to see... And I can not think of anyone I would rather see them with... Or any means of travel that would be better than his particular favorite.
Things are all falling into place. Everything that has happened in my life was meant to lead me to this time, this place, this man.

It's raining....

You know, I think you have to live somewhere like here, where you can go 6-8 weeks with no rain, to really appreciate a thundershower. Of course, this being farm country, and growing up in a farming family also makes me appreciate it.
It smells so wonderful. I went out into it, it's a warm rain, coming almost straight down with no wind, which is almost completely unheard of around here. Just a few rumbles of thunder, which is also a rarity. Usually it's 60 mile an hour winds, and tons of lightening and thunder. People driving by were looking at me like I was crazy, out in the rain... It felt wonderful though. Warm rain coming down, my bare feet in the wet grass...
I had gone out to wash my truck this afternoon, and I saw the clouds coming, but I like washing my truck, and I didn't have anything else to do, so I went ahead. When I pulled it into the garage to put on the quick shine stuff, it had just started to sprinkle. It waited to rain for a couple of hours, my truck is sitting out on the street. No problem, it still looks better than it did...

I think I have made it to the Big Time...

You know something is up when the first thing I do after a phone call is need a cigarette.
No, it wasn't phone sex. It was much more than that.
I talked to *Him* today. First time.
This makes all my other relationships seem like junior high. This is the big time. Emotionally, physically, mentally... you name it.
It isn't going to be easy. But I don't want easy. I want someone who will keep me on my toes, a challenge. Boy, is this a challenge.
His voice is perfect. We seem to have connected even deeper over the phone. I can't wait to really see him, to look into his eyes and see what he is saying when he talks.
The fact that he lives 5 hours away is a bit daunting. But this is going to work... I can feel it.
It does scare me, a bit. It's not him, it's me that I'm worried about. What if I don't measure up? He is so amazing, and everyone respects him so much... What do I have that would keep his interest? He tells me he wants respect, honesty and obedience. That I can do. That I was born to do. It is in my DNA structure, I think. Someone like him who deserves it, it is easy to give to. Can I always live up to his expectations of me.. That is the question. I will always do my best, and I know that he knows that. There are things that won't be easy, things I won't like doing... But I will make it through them just knowing that it will please him. And contrary to what everyone thinks, just because I am submissive doesn't mean that I want pain.(although I do enjoy some, just not drastic) Most of the time, real pain means I have disobeyed, or not done something as well as was expected of me, and that hurts me more than the physical pain. I don't want to let him down. He tells me that my low self esteem has no basis in reality. I know that, mentally, but emotionally I haven't quite got myself convinced.
Three weeks. I have at least that long to wait until we meet in person. *sigh* That seems like forever. But you know, if this works out... We have the rest of our lives... Might as well take it slow now.

Is he a Man...or a Minivan??

I really, really really hate minivans.

That got me to thinking about a certain conversation between Carrie and Miranda, on Sex and the City:

Miranda: "Steve is completely predictable but that's one of the things I love about him. He's just so comfortable and safe."
Carrie: "Are you dating a man or a minivan?"

I never go for the comfortable and safe. I always go for the exciting, the powerful the strong, the unattainable men. Maybe that is my problem. Although I don't think the current direction I am heading is the safe and comfortable, either. I do think it's a step closer. At least I am getting to the honest, and honorable, if still a bit unattainable.

Just another quiz...

You are a Hippie. Wow.


What kind of Sixties Person are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

I always knew I was born in the wrong time...

I had an English teacher that loved my poetry... (I was always the teacher's pet in Art and English) She always told me I was born in the wrong era... I had poems written about Janis Joplin, and Jim Morrison... Even did one about Charles Manson that almost got the counselor called on me... LOL
I had a very black outlook on life in High School... Kind of like my daughter still does, if you check out her writing at Darkness is my Sanctuary.
I tried to find some of my old poetry, but it seems to have been lost (probably thrown out by my mother) and all I could find was some of the poetry I wrote in college the year I won the Poet of the Year award. I didn't really like any of that stuff...

Just another Thursday...

I really think that everything happens for a purpose. I just wish I could figure out what that purpose is, sometimes.
I just found out yesterday that the company is sending my boss to run the Dodge City store this time... For three weeks. That means I run our store for three weeks, no days off. 9 hour days Mon. Through Fri. and 5-6 hour days on Sat. And Sun.
*sigh*
I was hoping to have a little road trip in the near future, but it looks like it will be a while... Dang it... Maybe the road trip destination can come to me... LOL
I'm really scared that it's never going to happen...

The woman who has been having a problem with me didn't work yesterday... He ex had open heart surgery and she went to be with him. That's cool. I wasn't looking forward to several hours of her being sticky sweet to my face anyway.

Andy hasn't called again, so I guess I will just forget about him totally... "If you love something set it free...." I'm not sure it was love, but I did care a lot about him... Makes me wonder why I ever try again, or think about trying again.... They always end like this... Maybe the next time will be the one that won't...

Panicking... Don't mind me....

Well, I don't have to worry about child support for a while.
R lost his job. Again. 1 1/2 years this time, a new record for him I think.
At least I don't have to pay for the baby sitter for a few days.

I have to work 11 am until 7 pm tomorrow, I hate those hours. Plus, the woman that has been talking shit about me comes in at 3, so from 3-7pm I have to work with her. Not that I'm worried about what she is saying, the manager already told me not to worry about it. I just don't like someone that has something to say about me that won't say it to my face. She's old, ugly, and always flirting with every male that walk in. It used to work for her, but she's loosin' it, and it makes her pissy with every other female that works with us. Since I am the only single one, that makes me a prime target. Oh well. I love making sure my hair and make up are perfect and I wear my best fitting jeans when I work with her ... hehehe.

Am really looking forward to meeting the man I told you about from here. Every day I get more excited about actually seeing him. Even days when I don't talk to him, he's all I think about. Not a good thing. I hate it when I get to know a guy and I can feel that he's not being straight up with me... But it's the ones that feel like they are being straight that usually end up hurting me. I have to be careful on this one, it feels too right.

Maybe I should stay away from the computer for a while?? I have to work those hours tomorrow and Thursday, so I won't have too much time for it anyway.

The "It" blog entry

Idiosyncrasies seem to be the "it" thing to blog about currently... It's a lot harder than I thought to figure out what mine would be... Not that I'm perfect, but what is the difference between idiosyncrasies and personality traits?
Merriam-Webster's defines them like this:
1 a : a peculiarity of constitution or temperament : an individualizing characteristic or quality b : individual hypersensitiveness (as to a drug or food)
2 : characteristic peculiarity (as of temperament); broadly : ECCENTRICITY

Hmmm... I have often been referred to as "eccentric", but I am really not sure why people say that... Actually I do, it's more my style than anything...

Idiosyncrasies of mine might be things like...

1.) I hate my truck to be dirty. I spend at least 2 hours per week to clean it, inside and out, windows, carpet, wax job... The works.

2.) Other people's children make me nervous. I didn't like kids even when I was a kid, so why should I now? Not that I don't like my own, or the children of my friends (after I get to know them) but children running around in the store, or restaurant drive me insane! (The one reason my children could not watch Barney is that I didn't want them to turn out like those OBNOXIOUS kids on that show!!!!)

3.)I have to practically be dead before I will go to the doctor. One time I had a reaction to a medication they gave me for kidney infection... My temp went to 105, I went into convulsions... But still refused to go to the emergency room... I couldn't afford the ambulance and I couldn't walk to the car... So I didn't go.... LOL
BUT I really hate it when someone I love refuses to go the the doctor when they need to...

4.) I hate people who decorate where everything matches... Everything is coordinating... And I absolutely ABHOR floral and plaid fabrics!! Yuck!! I love modern, and shabby chic, and mixing eras and styles... But no flowers or plaids! My mother's bedroom main color is red... I hate that too! A bedroom should be relaxing... She loves jewel tones, and I love eggshell colors with brighter colors used just as accents. I also love open spaces, and hate clutter.

5.)I continually second guess myself. I go shopping, and put stuff in the cart, and end up putting it all back... Talking myself out of everything. I always put myself down... I learned that in school - if I put myself down before anyone else did, it took the fun out of it for them.

(Editor's note: Florals and plaids are fine if you like the "old people"-style of decorating... My grandmother used them, and they were wonderful in her house!)

Weekend getaway (if only for a few hours)

I hate having days off during the week when everyone else is working - No one to talk to!! *sigh*

Saturday night Rhonda, Allan and I went fishing, out on a farm pond in the middle of nowhere.
On the way into the pond we stirred up a mother quail and her tiny ones, little brown puff balls not much bigger than cotton balls, running around on toothpick legs. We made Mama awful nervous, so we didn't stick around watching them too long.
There was a ridge on the west side of the pond, so the sun disappeared early, and the breeze was cool. It was so quiet it was almost deafening, until the birds started their songs, and the evening chorus of insects started tuning for their concert.
We didn't catch anything, didn't even really get a decent bite other than the tiny quiverings of very smart fish stealing our bait, but it was wonderful to get out and away from everything. I love being out in the country... I really am not a city girl at all, my little town, population 1200 or so is too big for me.
On the way out to the road we spooked two does and a nice sized buck, white tail, and they went bounding over the tall prairie grasses, their white flag tails bobbing in the dusk. They were beautiful.

His protection

For so long I have kept her in a box.
Chained, padlocked, electronically guarded, hidden in a corner.
She was too wild, too honest. She went against all those things I had had drilled into my head growing up.
Once, a man came along who opened that box when I wasn't looking. Claimed he could save her, train her, help me see how wonderful she was. For awhile, it worked. It felt wonderful to be as one with her again, to soar unencumbered by forced morality and just feel what I felt. But there were no boundaries, soaring could lead to an eternal float through space, it frightened me. Turned out I needed more. I needed emotional connection to keep me safe, to not feel used. I needed boundaries. I put her back in that box, vowing to never trust anyone again to see her.

The chains are slowly coming off that box again, however. I have found someone who is patient and honorable enough to lead her out into the light, as if coaxing a wild kitten out of the gutter, and prove to me once and for all that she and I are one and the same person. Prove that I can trust that part of my self that scares me the most. Help me understand her, identify with her.
Someone to set boundaries, so that I am free to soar, but always in the confines of his protection.

Magnum and Heaven

This is Magnum.

This local Kansas story just killed me... I cried when I heard this....

Puppy abuse causes stir in Wichita

Two Wichita puppies capture the attention of the community and help for the abused animals continues to flood in. On Tuesday we reported the story about Heaven, a four week old Akita found in a hot stairwell in a crate full of trash. She's now been taken in by a new foster family until she can be adopted. The next day, we told you about Magnum. Magnum was found in a dumpster with wires around his paws and 75% of his skin gone from chemicals burns. He is now at a 24-hour care facility in Kansas City, and will come back to Wichita when he has healed.

The stories about Magnum and Heaven have upset a lot of people especially when they found out animal cruelty is only a misdemeanor in Kansas. We're one of nine states that don't charge a felony for crimes against animals. Now a Wichita radio station wants to change those laws. 105.3 The Buzz is causing quite the buzz about Kansas animal cruelty laws. Afternoon DJ “Carson” watched the news about Heaven and Magnum and launched a campaign over night.

The job of a DJ has it's perks-ightlife, recognition and a microphone.
“Tell you what, we got really fired up about this and decided God gave us the power of the microphone so we're going to use it.” Carson’s voice boomed loudly inside Heroe’s Sports Bar and Grill in Old Town Friday night. Carson was outraged when she saw our story about Heaven and then about Magnum.
"I just cried. I just couldn't stop crying. This can't happen. The thing that bothered me the most is even if they catch these people nothing is going to happen to them- a little slap on the wrist.”

That's why Carson is putting her microphone to work.
“Our goal is to show up in Topeka with a vanload of petitions but we need your help.” She tells the crowd.

Ten businesses have already agreed to post the petition.


Carson says hundreds of signatures have already been collected. At the same time, Jayne Deemer, the foster parent taking care of Heaven, is in the beginning stages of forming the Animal Cruelty Task Force of Kansas. She plans to push lawmakers to change the law as well.


FACT FINDER 12

To clear-up confusion Fact Finder 12 looked into the laws. Animal cruelty is a misdemeanor in nine states, including Kansas. The rest have enacted some sort of felony law, most in the last 10 years. But the laws vary from state to state. Many states only call for a felony if the cruelty is done to a cat or a dog. Cruelty is considered a misdemeanor for all other animals. And even in felony cases, some states only require six months jail time. Fact Finder 12 also found what the Humane Society recommends as a solid felony law. It says the law should apply to all animals, to first time offenders and should require convicted abusers to get counseling. The law should also have no exceptions. The Humane Society says cruelty to animals isn’t just an animal issue because research has found a link between that and violence towards people.


Abused puppy passes away

Saturday, August 6, 2005
Two puppies found abused and abandoned captured the attention of the community, but now a somber end for one tale.

Magnum, a mixed-breed pup found in a Wichita dumpster, died overnight at a care facility in Kansas City.

He suffered from chemical burns over 75 percent of his body and a broken leg. He was found with his front paws wired together and a paw stuck in his mouth.

The other puppy, Heaven, was found in a crate full of trash in a hot stairwell. The week-old Akita is now doing well in a foster home.

There are reward funds to help find whoever abused and abandoned the dogs.

If you would like to donate money to Heaven's reward fund, call Bed and Biscuit at 316-682-1111.


If you would like to donate money to Magnum's reward fund, take your money to any Commerce Bank location in Wichita, attention Magnum.

To learn more about state laws regarding animal cruelty, go to the Humane Society of the United States Website at www.hsus.org.

If you know anything about who abused and abandoned these puppies call Wichita Animal Services at 316-268-8378.

Thought I needed a new pic to go with my new name... What do you think?

Stolen from Buffalo

1. Nervous habits: I smoke
2. Are you double jointed: I don't think so
3. Can you roll your tongue: no
4. Can you raise one eyebrow at a time: yes, but only my right one
5. Can you blow spit bubbles: no comment
6. Can you cross your eyes: yes
7. Tattoos: havent found one I really love yet... but still looking 'cuz I want one!
8. Piercing – just my ears.... So far
9. Do you make your bed daily: yes

CLOTHES

10. Which shoe goes on first: left
11. Speaking of shoes, have you ever thrown one at anyone: No
12. On the average, how much money do you carry: um, does a negative number count?
13. What jewelry do you wear 24/7: two sterling silver rings with moons and celtic knots on them, and a thumb ring, and a sterling silver anklet
14. Favorite piece of clothing: jeans & t-shirts, cowboy boots (sweat shirts when it's below 75)

FOOD

15. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it: twirl
16. Have you ever eaten Spam: unfortunately
17. Do you use extra salt on your food: occasionally
18. How many cereals in your cabinet:My son's choice of the week and some form of Kashi
19. What's your favorite beverage: Coffee, green tea, water
20. What's your favorite fast food restaurant: Burger King (love those Angus burgers!)
21. Do you cook: Love to cook

GROOMING

22. How often do you brush your teeth: Daily
23. Hair drying method: Air dry
24. Have you ever colored/highlighted your hair: Yes

MANNERS

25. Do you swear: occasionally
26. Do you ever spit: nope

FAVORITE

27. Animal: dog and/or wolf
28. Food: the edible kind?
29. Month: October - Fall is my favorite season
30. Day: Today
31. Cartoon: Scooby Doo - the original episodes
32. Shoe brand: Wal Mart specials
33. Subject in school: English, History
34. Color: Black
35. Sport: I LOVE the NFL... and does pro wrestling count?
36. TV shows: Crossing Jordan, CSI, Dog: The Bounty Hunter, Hogan Knows Best, Inked
37. Thing to do in the spring: lay out in the sun(I know, dangerous)
38. Thing to do in the summer: rodeos, hanging out with friends, lay out in the sun
39. Thing to do in the autumn: cook
40. Thing to do in the winter: cook, read, quilt
41. In the CD player: JoDee Messina(My Give A Damn's Busted),Cross Canadian Ragweed, Waylon Jennings
42. Person you talk most on the phone with: my best friend Rhonda
43. Reading: currently:"The Magickal Life" by Vivianne Crowley
44. Do you regularly check yourself out in store windows/mirrors: Nope
45. What color is your bedroom: white walls, light green carpet, pink curtains (believe me, this is NOT my choice... I am not a *pink* kinda girl
46. Do you use an alarm clock: constantly... Are you kidding?? with the odd hours I work??
47. Window seat or aisle: Plan on going to my grave without having ever set foot in a plane.

DUMB

48. What's your sleeping position: on my side/front
49. Even in hot weather do you use a blanket: I can't sleep without being covered up
50. Do you snore: Plead the fifth
51. Do you sleepwalk: No
52. Do you talk in your sleep: only if I'm really, really tired
53. Do you sleep with stuffed animals: I still sleep with the teddy bear I got for my sweet sixteenth birthday. He's wanting to retire, though, so replacement applications are being taken... LOL
54. How about with the light on: Off. Pitch black, preferably
55. Do you fall asleep with the TV or radio on: not usually
56. Last interesting person you met: met in person? Hmmm.... how about the three 70 year old gentlemen that were riding their Harley's to Vegas... They were interesting...

Interesting quizes...

Interesting results, anyway....

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

What Classic Movie Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Can one be Ghandi and Platoon in the same body?? No wonder I'm so screwed up....LOL

The Hawk circles...

I got tons of messages from Hawk during the night... Demands, what I would wear, and what I would call him, and what my answers would be when asked certain questions... Demanding that I be at his house tomorrow...
It is always so hard to say no to him... And I don't even think it's because I want to be with him anymore...
I think he scares me...
Here is a direct quote from him...

"found something you might be interested in...a slave contract that I forgot I had around.....Thought of you signing it the minute I saw it, too...I've only offered one contract in all my history...But you deserve one with me, wench.......So I wont shred it and dump it until you get your ass over here and accept it or decline it...That's done in person, girl.....I'm off until Monday recovering..Get your ass over here ...asap.....And efore you present yourself to me.......Close us off by shutting the door behind you and stripping completely...Even every piece of jewelry off..I want you naked.."

"you will until further notice address me in this manner when in service...you answer verbatim..."oh yes, My` Master".....forgetting this simple two letter possessive wil be immediately punished by two swats from the "boat paddle"..."

"any and all jewelry or physical adornment will be specified and approved of by me and me alone.....
any unauthorized wearing of any adornment will be immediately punished by swats adminisered with the big paddle..."


He wants it accepted or declined in person because he knows I cannot be in the same room with him and say no...
It's like putting a recovering drug addict in a room full of drugs...
I can't go out there, but I don't know what he'll do if I don't...
I am usually so independent, but I wish someone else could just make him go away...
I feel like I have sold my soul to the devil... In fact he told me once that I had done just that...

Stole this from Rednaked...

Quiz
created by Polly Snodgrass.

WATER OF EARTH. Mommy! Well, you could be. You are good with plants and small creatures such as children. You're very generous and basically great hearted. You probably make mad whack cookies and are good at managing the household; also businesses. You'd make a good tax person, book keeper, gardener, massage therapist, etc. The ever domestic and practical one, you can stretch a penny and make ramen noodles go a long way.

Suggestions anyone?

It has been suggested that is is time to lose the Hawke as my "last" name on this blog...
I think that's a good idea. I don't think that Amethyst alone sounds right, though... Any suggestions?

I probably should use a new email, too...

I must be getting better, I didn't jump the last time he called. I think this blog and the friends I have made here have helped a lot with that. Thanks guys.

What I'm thinking about today...

You know, the more I think about that last post the more nervous I get. I suppose meeting just as friends first would be good... I still haven't got this whole Andy thing straightened out and I miss him like crazy...
He stopped by Rhonda and Allan's house the other evening, Allan said he looked like he'd lost his best friend, and wanted to talk... They were on their way out, and didn't have time, but I know he will be back over there soon... Rhonda will tell me what he's thinking, even if he won't....

Starting tomorrow night I work graveyards for three nights in a row... Which is cool, lots of cleaning and stocking and not very many people, just the way I like it... Of course, not much sleep, either, but like I always say, I can sleep when I get old...LOL.

It's only 99 degrees out right now, and the humidity is all the way down to 19%, so it's a pretty nice day out... My son is home, had another great day at the sitter's... I have the rest of the day off... Went to the bank and found out I have more money in my account than I thought... It's a pretty great day for a Monday...